Some are saying that 2016 couldn’t possibly be any worse, others are saying it would go out with one final bang. For you, it’s the former, and tragedy has struck you and your employees. Rudolph was a little hungover from too much eggnog at the office Christmas party, he wasn’t on his game, you knew that but you pushed him too hard. That Boeing 747 came out of nowhere, you were somewhere over Colorado trying to get Siri to tell you which direction to take and it happened, half the team got sucked directly into one of the jets and you had to make an emergency landing with just Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen surviving the accident. OSHA has been breathing down your neck for decades, you let them do this every year, this is your fault. You need to quit using stupid animals to get around anyway, the only people who use them for transportation are the Amish and we all know they never get anything good for Christmas. Santa, you’re going to have to buy a car, something that can travel the world and deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls… what are you getting?
The OG Question of the Week man, Brendan McPherson, decided to go with the new Tesla Model X P100D, stating the following:
“Instead of picking a Ferrari or a traditional SUV or a super fast car, I chose this for its benefits to the mission. First and foremost is the sound. The Tesla makes virtually no noise. We all know kids don't need to see or hear Santa coming. The stealth is super important. While it's silent it also flies. It does 0-60 in 2.9 seconds. I can be in and out and somewhere else in no time. Essential for getting the job done fast. The doors also add to the usability of the car. The doors fully open so I will have 0 issues getting stuff in am out the car. Speaking of stuff, my SUV has plenty of room. All this frantic traveling will also be very easy to manage because the car is AWD. NO TERRAIN will hamper me. The key feature that makes it great is the fact that it's electric. No stopping for gas. Quick plug and charge while delivering gifts and go. The Tesla Model X makes the perfect sleigh for delivering a merry Christmas.”
Resident muscle fanatic and connoisseur of fine, large SUVs, our man Brian has opted to go with a Cadillac Escalade, citing the comforts and luxury for that long haul, lots of room for presents, hauling capability and four-wheel drive to deal with any tough terrain he might encounter. This isn’t just any Escalade though, Santa’s new whip is going to be modified with the Callaway SC650 package, the centerpiece of which is a big ol’ supercharger to slap on top of the 6.2L pushrod V8. Now with 560 reindeer power prancing around under the hood, Santa Brian will be flying from rooftop to rooftop in no time flat, ensuring all the little children get the presents they asked for.
Strangely enough, Juan Johnson and Connor Dineen somehow managed to come up with the exact same response to my question. To put it in their own words:
Connor: “I am choosing a Dakar Rally truck for this mission to deliver presents to all the little kiddies this Christmas. Why?
Because it's simply the best choice for this kind of thing. It was designed as a parts carrier vehicle for the rally, carrying complete spare engines and even spare chassis, but I think the truck itself is good enough to deliver presents. It holds 240 gallons of fuel, feeding a 17 liter diesel V8 engine. It's made by Kamaz, a Russian truck manufacturer. I'm figuring this:
Since it's made to hold spare entire cars for a rally, there's definitely enough room to hold a bunch of toys and iPads and shit for the kiddies. This thing weighs 20,000 pounds, but with all the fuel it holds, I think you could get decent range out of it. The engine makes about 750 horsepower, but that's enough. If you can get 5-6 miles to the gallon out of it, you can go about 1,200 miles without refilling it. That's enough for the whole East Coast of the US without filling up, and just about enough presents to do so. You might not go very fast, but it can take the Boston potholes as well as Atlanta's speed bumps. It's also made to offroad, so why do you even need to stick to surface streets?
I mean, this thing can't do 200 miles per hour, and it's not very small. But a Dodge SRT Hellcat tears through its entire tank of fuel in 20 minutes at full chat, and this can do that in about 48 hours. Slow and steady wins the race, right?”
Juan had this to say: “A Dakar Rally Truck.
Lets face it, if you're gonna haul millions of presents across the globe, from the highest mountains to the lowest valley's some low-slung exotic is going to be useless and I'm a Santa that believes that all kids deserve a Christmas, not just the ones who live in metropolitan areas and developed countries.
A Dakar Rally truck is a 700-900hp, 2000+ft/lbs or torque, lifted monster of a vehicle weighing in at over 20,000lbs once their 200+ gallon fuel tanks are at max capacity. These trucks are built to fight the toughest terrain and to do so as fast if not faster than David Higgins along a dirt course. With all of the storage space the truck would allow me, using my magic Santa powers, I could bring every kid in the world 10 times presents over the 1 that old sleigh used to manage.
Behind the wheel of one of those monsters, it would no longer be "if" I can make it in time, it would be a matter of if I had enough time to make it to season 5 of Breaking Bad after I was done.”
Writer Hunter Reeve figures Santa must like to live the good life and went German with his new sleigh. The Mercedes AMG E63 S station wagon should have no trouble getting this job done, it’s twin turbo 5.5L is good for 577hp and gets the car up and moving with almost supercar levels of acceleration. Its massive cargo space means that no child will have to go without a present under their tree, and the luxury found behind the wheel means that Santa won’t mind a bit of a road trip. Merc’s 4Matic all-wheel drive is well known for being able to deal with snow and ice, a feature we know Santa Clause could absolutely not do without.
Sam Bowman is keeping things nice and European, thinking Santa might enjoy a bit of candy cane flavored tea from time to time. The oldest selection of the lot, Sam says this about the 1988 Land Rover Defender:
“Easily grab a 1988 Land Rover defender. 33-inch tires, winch on front, 2.5" lift and snorkel. 3.5L turbo diesel to prevent it going "British" on you. Everything you need to reach all the good children of the world, whether in the mountains of Nepal or the Sahara desert”
Our graphic design and photo editing guru Jeremiah Skinner is going about as ‘Murican as he can get for Santa’s new sleigh, with a new Ford F-350 Super Duty. With an absolutely apocalyptic 925 pound-feet of torque on tap, the 6.7L Power Stroke-equipped Ford has enough towing capacity to bring a gift to any kid, anywhere in the world, and still have room to pick up the Easter Bunny and all his crap. The obvious trends here are cargo capacity and the ability to survive extreme climates, both of those things are strong points for the Super Duty. The higher end trims have a very well equipped interior, rivaling even some of the straight-luxury options in this list, making the long trips a breeze.
Our fearless leader Chris Bennett thinks the Ram Rebel TRX concept would make for a solid present delivery machine, and I can’t say I blame him. With an engine that might as well be borrowed from a Hellcat, and a suspension which, according to Ram, allows the truck to easily sustain 100mph speeds over harsh off-road conditions, Santa should not have much trouble getting to those hard-to-reach communities in remote areas, and he’s going to have an absolute blast while getting there.
Personally, I’m trading my prancing reindeer in for a prancing horse. The Ferrari FF, first and foremost, just looks like a sleigh to me. Get it in red, with its high rear and swooping lines, it has this almost whimsical appearance that I think would suit and man in a red suit very well. The naturally aspirated V12 makes north of 650 horses, it was the most powerful street-legal Ferrari ever when it first came out, and the 208mph top speed will outpace even the fastest reindeer. A big talking point on the FF is the crazy all wheel drive, it uses two transmissions, a government office buildings worth of computers, and some sort of ancient Italian witchcraft to ensure all four wheels can find traction regardless of the conditions they are driving over. Another, more obvious, sore thumb feature is the Ferrari’s hatch, the FF is a shooting brake and it has actual, usable cargo space out back. I don’t think the FF can hold as many presents as a Dakar support truck or F-350, but I’m pretty sure Santa has a magical bottomless sack, so as long as there’s room for that I’m sure he could make due.
There you have this weeks Question of the Week. Leave a comment down below which car you’d use to make sure every kid in the world got their presents. As always contact us if you have a question to submit.