The Brute

Car Brutes.

We need brutes. We need awful people in car culture. Any organization has a curve, and like it or not, good people need bad people. As Alan Watts said, “How could you know you are a good if, way on the edge of society, there were people who weren’t very good at all?”

The point of this class lecture is not to decry or damn the Car Brute. The point is to recognize brutish characteristics so we can give a wide berth while appreciating their savage nature.

Let's begin our study.

The Car Brute, if left to purchase his own vehicle, will own a machine between 10 and 15 years old. If The Brute receives his convenience though parental procurement or philanthropy, the vehicle will be either a new base model or a 5-year-old in mid or high-trim.

A Car Brute's throttle will never be ½ open. The Brute will either operate his car at WOT (wide open throttle) or at full-braking. The volume of his stereo is directly proportional to the number of pedestrians within sight. Crowded crosswalks draw full volume from his speakers while country roads draw little.

Should the Car Brute experience a windfall of currency, imitation sponsorship stickers and “Tweetybird” mudflaps will eat said funds within a fortnight. If the windfall is large, the Brute will seek a tuning shop based on how “urban” the typeface on the tuning shop's sign appears. Well skilled in fleecing, the tuning shop will identify the Brute by his on-foot appearance which we will now discuss.

Car Brutes will always self-identify. Look for tattoos placed on the neck, excluding specialized employment from being had. If no tattoo is present on the neck, and you are unsure if the specimen at-hand is a Brute, ask the specimen if a picture might taken of him “and his ride.” If the specimen accepts, he will stand next to his conveyance, pull his lips to one side of his face, displaying a half-smile. The specimen will then raise his middle finger to you. He will hold this pose and wait for you to take the photograph. Then, he will relax his facial muscles and lower his middle finger. This marks your specimen as a Brute. Rarely have Brutes been photographed not “flipping-off” the photographer.

The Car Brute defines his self-worth through confrontation-driving.. Take caution. A Brute will rev his engine or sound his car's alertment-horn in long rapports directed at cyclists, joggers, and smaller, slower cars. If the Brute's conveyance can be found unoccupied and unguarded, you may safely examine its underside. Take note at the catalytic converter and the many holes drilled into its metal casing. This allows pheromones and decibels to escape for the purpose of attracting female Brutes.

Moving to the rear of the Brute's car, note the license plate frame composed entirely of miniature skulls. Other car accessories come from revolving racks at retail auto parts stores. A Brute's car will have an air freshener suspended from the rear-view mirror. The air freshener will dark-colored and cut in the shape of an evergreen conifer tree. The air fresher will bear the words “Black Ice.” The air freshener may also be shaped like a World War II-era anti-personal hand grenade and bear the words “Freash” [sic].

Should a Car Brute reproduce, you will find the offspring secured loosely in a Pontiac Trans Am or Chrysler 300. Outside the vehicle, a Brute will transport his young under his arm like bag of mulch.

Left to its own recognisance, a Brute's child will stomp anthills and pick up cigarette butts which will aid the young’s pantomime of its father's smoking style.

Class dismissed.

A still from 'The Sasquatch Gang'.