Halloween is on our doorstep, banging on our door, and demanding we give into the social norms of industrialized holidays and traditions. It’s time to spend hundreds of dollars on cheap, plasticy bullshit decorations and pounds of sugar to throw at your neighbors snot-nosed, already-morbidly-obese 8 year old. And if you don’t conform? Society has brainwashed our youth into wanting to throw perfectly good eggs and toilet paper at your house in retaliation for your lack of participation. So, while you’re being held under siege in your own home by sugar crazed pre-teens, keep on reading to find out what the scariest cars on the road might be.
The Jeep Wrangler is a sketchy vehicle straight from the factory. There’s a big sticker on the sun visor telling you that you’re probably going to flip over on your side if you take a corner at more than 5 miles an hour, and the body panels can be stripped away with a few hand tools. Throw some big knobby tires, a tall lift, take the doors off, and you’ve got yourself one of the most terrifying and liberating experiences you can get out of a new car for under thirty grand today. Nothing says scary like death-wobble at 70mph on the highway when you’re sitting 4 feet off the ground and the only thing between your left arm and bare pavement is sweet, fresh air.
The Ford Mustang has become something of a meme these past few months, but much like a medieval siege engine capable of launching a 90 kilogram projectile over 300 meters, they’re only fun to watch if you aren’t in the line of fire. It’s borderline suicidal to stand on the curb of the road watching cars leaving Cars & Coffee when there’s a Mustang present, it will find you, and it will attempt to eat you. The issues have only gotten worse in recent years, with even their weakest V8s making well over 400 horses, budget-friendly price point, and general IQ of the average Mustang owner; it’s all a recipe for some smeared sidewalks. When you’re walking door to door on Monday night searching for candy, instead of watching for murderous clowns, you might want to keep an eye out for blood-thirsty Mustangs.
And while you’re searching for candy, please don’t go anywhere near that big white windowless van that has “FREE CANDY” messily painted on the side with something that's either blood or red spray paint. I know, I know, it’s tempting, but nothing good has ever come out of a 2001 Chevy Express van that doesn’t have some sort of company logo on the side. That one is going to be a trick, not a treat… For you, anyway.
There’s a special place in Hell for people who drive white Crown Victorias, right next to the person who invented Crocs and those people who put “SUPRA RX7 JDM IMPORT SKYLINE” at the bottom of their ad for a 1997 Hyundai Excel. If your heart doesn’t skip a beat when you see those narrow rectangular headlights framing that black grille coming towards you on the road, you aren’t having enough fun. As of late there are other vehicles vying for the Crown Vic’s title, so the Dodge Charger, Ford Taurus, and Ford Escape all get honorable mentions for this position on my list, but the CV has been alone in that position for such a long time I feel like it’s destined to always be a cop car.
You see that Chevy Tahoe ahead? That one swerving in and out of it’s lane, the one with a “BABY ON BOARD” sticker in the rear window, the one that just threw a half-full cup of Starbucks coffee out the window? Yeah, stay as far away from it as you possibly can. I’m not trying to stereotype here, but you can’t deny that this is an all too common sight, a young woman driving down the road, blasting shitty pop music, driving 13 over the speed limit, and for some reason something on her phone is more important than whatever is going on on the other side of the glass-thingy in front of her. And why do they always need to drive SUVs? I always hear it’s because they make people feel safer, or give them a higher vantage point so they can be more aware of their surroundings, but it seems to me that the only people who say things like that are also terrible drivers with short attention spans. Getting in a collision with any car sounds terrifying, but an accident with a 7000 pound chunk of Murica? That’s nightmare material.
The Dodge Viper is leaving us soon, and it’s leaving behind quite a reputation. While the more recent Vipers have been reeled in slightly with the use of modern electronic aids, crazy tires, and aerodynamics, the first decade or so of Viper production has forever cemented it in the widowmaker category. Some people say “nah they aren’t that bad if you don’t drive like a moron,” but I call bullshit because how can you own what is basically a street legal racecar and not drive like a moron? Either way, until I’m blessed with the opportunity to soil my pants while behind the wheel of one, I’m going to assume that the Viper’s reputation for being a death trap didn’t just materialize out of thin air. Car journalists with far more driving experience than me have been complaining about, and praising, the Viper’s difficult learning curve since before I’ve been alive, so I feel like that isn’t wild speculation on my part. This is a car famous for actively wanting to maim it’s occupants, wasn’t there a Stephen King book about that?
People who make Halloween decorations just love disembodied heads, maybe they should contact some of Ford’s engineers for help with production? I couldn’t show up to a Halloween-themed car list and not bring up some good old fashioned French justice! With the introduction of automatic seatbelts in the American car market, some sort of scheme cooked up to force people into wearing their seatbelts, some pretty nasty scenes started showing up after car wrecks. One famous example was the second generation Ford Escort, where once in a blue moon, if you messed up just right, the belt could actually break off its track on the door frame and carry enough energy to send the broken bits of plastic and metal clean through your neck. That’s not a Jack-O-Lantern rolling around over there...
If you’re arachnophobic, just leave the article now. Shut your computer off and go outside. Then realize that outside is where all those terrible children are and come back here to the safety of the internet! Back in 2011, Mazda had to issue a recall on some 42,000 Mazda6’s because… spiders. Apparently there’s this little dude called a yellow sac spider who are like the spider equivalent of that creepy homeless guy who hangs out around the gas station because he enjoys the smell. Yup, they huff gasoline fumes. For some reason the gas put into Mazda6’s really cranks their gears, and they’re prone to having yellow sac spiders crawl up into their fuel tanks! OK, so that’s kind of unsettling sure, but they probably just get up there and die and you never need to see them right? Well the exact reason for Mazda’s recall wasn’t that the spiders were icky, it’s because they can apparently block off airflow to your fuel tank, which leads to a major fire hazard. That’s right, not only is your car infested with a bunch of spiders, those spiders are also trying to burn you and your car to the ground! The strangest part of this recall? In Mazda’s official statement issued, they said that they have no idea why 2009 and 2010 Mazda6 cars are the only ones affected, they have the same equipment as every other car in their lineup yet those two model years of one specific car are the only ones that have this pyromaniac spider infestation issue.
What’s the freakiest car you’ve heard of? Tell us in the comments below. Or don’t. I actually don’t care what you do, just take this Kit-Kat and please don’t throw eggs at my car.